there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
