i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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