im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
