the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
