and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize