TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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