I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Randomize
