I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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