The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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