it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
