im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
