I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
