I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize