I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
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