he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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