did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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