Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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