I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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