If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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