I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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