I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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