ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
