I cannot find my penis.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
