My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How naked do you want me to be?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
