What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
