I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
