I am puke
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
