Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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