I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
