Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize