he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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