there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
