she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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