I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
