my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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