You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
