im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Four minutes until I can fart!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
