Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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