just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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