Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
