Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
