Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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