I just made out with a guy for $7.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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