I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
