She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
