I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
