I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize