Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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