I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
