I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
