My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
this boner is exhausting
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
