I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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