She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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