you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
