Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
