You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
