If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
