i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
