Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize